I am a thinker, a moralist in my own right. Not that I am above any cosmos or laws, it is just that I am constantly trying to comprehend chaos and order especially in the metaphysical world and explain it in simpler terms if possible back to myself and other willing ears.
I am just myself. I am on average a more quieter and mellower person. Always listening and absorbing, rarely sharing my opinion(s) unless it is required, asked or when I am in the company of my closest confidant(s). These days I am coming to terms with an unfamilar (at least to me) aspect of neroplasticity where I just want to rewire my brain to say “no” when I mean “no” and only say “yes” when I mean it. It is to stand with a straight tall, back and face the world comfortably and say no I think you got it wrong or right (or even yes I agree and no I do not agree ) and let me tell you why. You are not rejecting the person or concept (do not get mistaken), you are just stating how you truly feel . We must learn to say what is on our mind honestly and truthfully, of course bearing in mind to maintain politeness while doing so, because let’s face it, a lack of manners is a reflection of poor character.
So, I have been having a war waging inside of me for the past week , which have transpire into my general demeanor being easily down as the turmoil in me raged. I tried everything from writing , to studying , to playing the piano often, and making others smile but it did not seem to quench the battle within. Granted, I have a lot on my plate (don’t we all) but I can handle anything thrown my way as long as my mind is firm and resolute and generally it is. I have trained it well and vigorously , having a set of To-Dos that I have to get done everyday like a regiment (to enhance my cyclical circadian rhythms) so that I will never ever relapse into crippling depression because it is either we choose to live or we choose to survive and life is too dynamic and yes, well, hard to live it like a vacant shell of a human. I, however, found the source of my resentment towards myself and that is being too agreeable and not resisting back when I do not agree.
I grew up in an environment that meant that any act of disobedience, defiance and yes even the simple act of disagreeing because you are human and have opinions could result in damaging consequences both mentally and physically . Hence, my defence mechanism is to retreat away and avoid an opinion if I do not agree . Please, do not do this. My absolute distaste and almost allergic like reaction to the idea of a confrontation or argument has been a boiling cesspool of resentment towards myself all this time , well not anymore because I took it and have incinerated it. Please , I implore you, be yourself. Do not apologised if it is not your wrongdoing.
Anyway, so prior to realising this issue, I have been in bouts of sadness that tended to strike in random intervals even when I am in the company of those that made me feel loved and safe. If you say no and early on and if you truly stand your ground behind it, you will be much happier. The thing that was trying to affect you is bounded by your surity and steadfastness in holding true to yourself. One other thing I have learned is not to downplay myself (my intellectual abilities, capabilities and talents) so that others would be more receptive to me.
I am not the type of girl that will laugh , giggle and agree with everything that someone says and do . That is truly me. I will engage you, I will listen , I will try to understand, I will push you and I will challenge you and I will open your perspectives on a plethora of subjects. I will make you want to be the best version of yourself. And, do you know why? Because you deserve it. Flattery is damaging but true genuine compliment(s) is motivating and propelling.
I am myself. Disagree or not liking something is acceptable. Just because I do not like Twilight for example does not mean I am anything less than a romantic ( though, that is overrated , if you were to ask me) or if I do not like tofu, that does not mean I do not like Chinese food and if I do not like sparkly assortment of things, that does not make me anything less than a feminine lady. I have class, dear readers, sparkles belongs on jewelry and my word is final (just kidding). I hope you get my point. I am finally at peace with myself again. Thank goodness!