I believe that all wisdom consists in caring immensely for a few right things, and not caring a straw about the rest.–John Buchan
Now, I am not going to go on a rant that we should say “screw the world” . Rather, screw the world that is not for us. I believe we define the world around us. If we see that the world is against us and not for us, we are going to become repressive and even retaliate in bitterness and get depressed. However, if we can start to change the way we see or even change the environment that we are in, to help us view the world and our surroundings in a better, brighter sense, then why not? Why should we limit ourselves to the peripheral view of others that are not for us, against us or could not care about us?
I have learned something fundamental this month of September through a series of experiences witnessing others as well as from my own inner musings and as we near its end, I believe it is great timing that I share my humble thoughts on the matter. Maybe, you might already know this simple truth(s) but hey for those who have yet to get that “eureka” moment, this is for you (and for me as an act of mindfulness).
Let’s admit it, people just do not know us. They may know of us, but they do not know us; Even the closest of us cannot comprehend all the inner workings of your mind nor understand why we need to do certain things or behavior in a certain way and that is perfectly normal. In other words, do not subject yourself to the scrutiny or criticism of others unless they are genuine, and when your actions/ mentality is detrimental to your overall being. That generally being said, most like to give their unsolicited ideas and opinions/critics to aggrandize themselves for whatever reason(s) I do not know. Do not pay heed to them.
Seeking validation from the outside is tricky and is usually a slippery slope. This is due to so many factors and one of which is this concept of intermittent reinforcement. Let me explain. It is when someone or a group of people in some cases “rewards you” (for even doing nothing) consistently at first to bait you and then in turn hook you and at a later period withhold the reward that you used to enjoy. This is dangerous as it can almost cause a longing or even an addiction because you will try to keep pleasing them so that you could be rewarded like you used to.
It is one of the oldest rules in the book of manipulation and that is one of the reason(s) why people stay in abusive relationships and even in some cases why people struggle to get over an ex. Everything was going so well, what happened to have just ended it? There were no tale-tell signs?! It was all great! Additionally, in any proper relationship , there will always be some discord or disagreement ( but it is how you manage it to reach a peaceful conclusion). Nothing is all roses, because let’s face it even roses have thorns , let’s be real. Well if you can relate to the scenario above, well, my dear readers, you have been a victim of intermittent reinforcement in the negative aspect. In some aspects, it can even take the form as the scenario described below:
What we have to wake up to is that some of us are in relationships that are based on intermittent reinforcement. In this kind of relationship, the things we need, like love, are only granted inconsistently, unpredictably and occasionally. But the fact that they are granted occasionally, keeps us hooked. We are owned by the relationship.
We build up so much despair and starvation that when we get a single scrap, the relief we experience by getting a scrap feels like nirvana and we begin to chase that feeling and do anything we can do to get it. If you are in this kind of a relationship, you are either the scientist tormenting the rat with the potential of pellets or you are the rat in the cage caught in a cycle of torment. No matter what, if you are in an intermittent reinforcement relationship, you are in an abusive relationship. Abuse is usually not the conscious intent, but it is abuse nonethelessQuoted from Source: https://tealswan.com/resources/articles/intermittent-reinforcement-why-you-cant-leave-the-relationship-r210/
So, my lovely readers, if you recognise yourselves in any of those scenarios, get out, and get up. Everyone deserves to be treated nicely and well, including you. Yes, love isn’t just good enough of a reason to suffer, unless you are trying for a lead role in a telenovela ( then by all means, sure go ahead). Love is selfless, never selfish. Remember that.
The less I cared, the less I am worried. The less I cared about people and what they think of me, I sleep better. The less I cared about my health, it improved and my skin started to recover from my allergies. My panic attacks are in order and easily managed. I am smiling and laughing a lot more and those around me can easily vouch for me on that note.
I started to enjoy the people and the surroundings a lot more and have a much clearer perspective filled with gratitude and thankfulness. I deleted apps that I felt were too negative, left an organisation that I felt that harmed me too much mentally and emotionally today and the weight upon my shoulder have been lifted tremendously. I am healing and moving towards the best version of myself, healed and whole. I used to describe myself as broken and even fragmented, but today I can tell you confidently that I am without a shadow of a doubt, whole and made new. I am 25 years old, but hey, I have lived through alot. Experiences shaped me. In the words, of Frank K. Sonnenberg “throw away the bad experience, but save the lessons”.