You probably heard of this saying , nice people finish last. Well, yeah, news flash that holds alot of truth. I hate to bring up power dynamics but it is just it, as much as we can try to deny. There will always be people who are nicer than you and there are some that you are generally nicer than them. We are not equally all “nice” in the same proportionality or depth as each other. That being said, let me walk you through as to why it is hard to be the “nicer” one in any dynamic and how to restore your position if you are totally off balance in any relationship(s), regardless platonic or romantic.
Hold on tight! Grab your floats ( I cannot swim) because we are gonna dive deep.
The probability of you ending up being a pushover at work or even in your own relationships are pretty high, if you are generally an innocent nice person , and yes, even if you are blessed with amazing people all around you. I am a realist, a pragmatic analyst ruled by logic. Human nature are always in a push and pull motion, the very governance of nature is equated in a similar give and take pendulum that exist to give order to chaos. This dogma is evidence in various principles, philosophy and even literature ever since the foundations of this world was laid. One of the most well-known principle is found in taoism (a branch of buddhism) with regards to ying and yang, the masculine and the feminine nature of balance. From the oldest religion itself , hinduism, there is this concept of sattva (order, balance and selfless) and tamas (chaos, extreme, selfishness) , light and dark and they must be balanced (see selfless and selfish) . For this post, I will characterised the nature of nice as “feminine” for very obvious reasons because it is archetypical as gentle,always – giving , and selfless.
The problem arises is when you give “too much”. Ever watched a romantic comedy where a guy or girl does so much and the love interest could not give two “figs” about them, well yeah, because there was no balance. Constantly giving or giving in without reason, will disable your grounds as an equal and dismiss you as a person, even if you are absolutely fantastic! Even if you are in a relationship, do not unneccessarily discredit yourself and be a walking doormat. Rather be a door that allows anyone in that sees you as an equal and with respect and shuts out anyone who do not. Over flattering, trying to be an over pleaser, only hurts you in the end and just inflates the ego of the other. Even the planets in orbit are kept in a balance together by the gravitational pull of the sun, then how much more should we maintain a balance within our own universe . Remember, balance. Keep it together. Do not let the masculine exploit the feminine.
Now, if you have jumped into the rabbit hole of being that super nice, pleasing, vocally diabetic sweetiepie that people only calls on you when they are bored or want to inflate their egos – you know those who have nothing better to do or that their own curiosities in others were not fruitful and then suddenly remembered your existence …yeah those folks, well my lovely readers, tell them to and for the lack of better words, “scram”. Only invest in those that invest in you when it comes to anything that is long-term. The nature of this post is keeping in mind that we are looking at long-term dynamics and nothing short term ( because that is not important to most of us generally and we can easily dust and brush that off ) , meh.
Now, let’s say everything is well and is in balance and you enjoy the companionships or relationships that are you are in. You get each other, the both of you know each others’ intricacies well, maybe some intimate secrets have been shared between the both of you, making that connection even sweeter and stronger. Great! That is seriously awesome, however the moment your sweetness or something you have shared in your vunerability is being thrown at you or gets disregarded, do not be afraid to push back. I am not condoning a conflict but I am saying that you must not be a passive recipient to that disrespect. Push back by stating your thoughts on the matter. Tell them that it is not acceptable, it is not right, it is does not make you feel good etc. You can do so light-heartedly, witty or even seriously depending on the nature of the issue at hand. Now, if you are like me where you are generally a conflict phobe and is always the giver, stop for a moment, drink some water, collect your thoughts and still stand your ground. No one is worth your disrespect. You are not being unkind. Kindness and being nice are not synonymous. I repeat, being kind and being nice are not synonymous.
If they realised your perspective and reacted satisfactorily, great, but if they still choose to stay in their sphere and do not lend their empathetic ears to at least try to understand you , well, honey , you seriously need to consider that relationship / connection.
I shall say this one last thing, before I go. Do not strive to be nice but rather be good and good-natured. Being good means you do not harm (even if you could) while at the same time you do not take in harm. It is great to be good-natured and people will generally appreciate you for it but being nice, well, yeah that just spells disaster for me. Being nice is too selfless in the most naive of ways – exploitable. Being just nice is not noteworthy and it is not going to give you guaranteed allegiance. Being good is selfless but in a bounded limit, where there are boundaries that are observed and to me that is healthier. You are still ultimately a singular person that needs to have their needs met, and one of the need that we all intrinsically came with is the need to be seen , heard and respected.