I am rather detached these days as I look inwards into myself. Unlike what most would imagine “detached” to be, I am more intuned with myself than at any point of my life. I am listening keenly to my thoughts and submerging myself deeply into my emotions , feeling deeply yet freely. Basically, my little world consists of my little day-to-day tasks as well as my habits of journaling here and spending time with loved ones. I am perceptive, oddly more self confident, calm and collected than I have ever been in years, also partly due to me self healing some of my traumas through a series of mapping – check out my post about that here.
I have had many vicissitudes in life, and honestly I am done with allowing people or circumstances hold me down and back. I am saying this about any situation or people past, present or future that could have the possibility to hold me back. I have decided to let them all fall to the dust and I to carry on nevertheless. I am not afraid anymore. That is exactly what it is. I lack the fear and thus in turn lack anxiety or the nervous energy that I have so acquainted myself with.
I have lost much, too much. Lost made me re-evaluate everything that I have or will have. You could say I have lost everything that a person could hold dear (maybe perhaps his life) but that too was questionable in my case for I have lost it umpteen times in one lifetime to know that I have died numerous times. I have lost many and they have been restored, life and laughter, gone and have came back. I view them now in a different light. Not one of utmost cherish but rather one of indifference. I am not too bothered if they were to go any day from me nor if they were to greet me along the hallways of life. There is no such thing as something being “too” important that could cause me now to crumble. I believe in never chasing. You could safely say that I am tired of wishy washy and unstable connections. I have safely detached my attachments. I am no longer outwardly zealous but rather quietly and peacefully living. It suits me now for I am more at peace with myself finally. The fuel of my life is my faith and my own codes of morality that I adhere to live by in this life.
- To never harm intentionally any life physically, emotionally and spiritually
- To treat everyone with kindness and learn to let go if it is not mutual
- To always be an example of compassion
- Smile often even if I may not be feeling it
(these are just some of my own personal convictions and laws I live by )
These days are long and arduous , the weeks ahead are winding and unpredictable. Great change is here and now in my life and I am at the crossroads of my destiny. What and who do I want in life? How will the events in my life unfold with the current predicaments and situations that I face domestically as well as academically? Will I have enough strength to go through with the necessary changes and be the pillar of support for my loved ones? I am sure I can but nevertheless these questions still plague me.
I have worked so hard on myself to established myself to be resolute and strong but that is only enough for me and for my loved ones. I cannot extend these strengths to others because I can only give what I have and not what I do not have. It is one of the major reasons why I have mainly left some of the social apps like tumblr, vent etc where people post and share their struggles and people try to give a listening ear. I cannot do that anymore nor can I stay on such platforms. I guess, you can say that as a natural empath, I would feel drained reading such dark posts and cannot help. I am the same offline as well, I am more reclusive than before being more cautious to whom I spend time with so that I can have peaceful months till the end of the year. This is to me self care because I cannot be an emotional dumping ground for just anyone besides my loved ones.
I am also relying on myself to regulate my emotions and to keep my mind stable and happy. Hence, I am putting myself first before anything or anyone. Guess, you could say I am emotionally rationing (thank you Zoewiezoe for this phrase) for the time being as an act of mindfulness and self preservation. ❤️
So take your time ❤️
“You look at me and cry ,everything hurts . I hold you and whisper
but everything can heal”
― Rupi Kaur