I woke up with a familiar tightness in my chest. A tightness of pain and future hurdles that I have to endure. I would like to be a bit more optimistic but I am only human and sometimes it is good to just feel in the moment to validate our emotions from time to time and address it as it is. One thing is for sure and that is I am so glad I started this blog. It is the most therapeutic tool that I am employing day to day, to regulate my thoughts, feelings and reasonings.
I do not have the luxury of a therapist or anyone to hear me out constantly in these harder times, and I am not that much of a good companion to myself when I am down because I need to rely on something stronger ( not me for the moment) so it is good that I can just come here, throw it all out as it is without a filter and feel at least relieved.
These weeks have been so hard. Pains of the past have crept in and raised their ugly heads. The hurdles that I have to overcome are merely a distance away, and I can already make out the outline of their form as I stare into the weeks ahead, planning my strategy to tackle them without wavering. I need to be strong, the finish line is near, it is the hardest lap left to be done. I am stronger and aware than ever before.
One of the ways I am going to tackle the weeks ahead is to punish my body through exercise. There is something oddly healing yet downright torturous in a way to push the body a bit more than usual. I find it more helpful that meditating. Secondly, I am going to stop drinking coffee. That thing is like a drug, highly addictive and keeps me awake too much even when I want to sleep. It is just too strong for my sensitive neurological system, I guess. I am going to stick to a diet of just plain water and black tea which is more calming and less stressful on my gut and skin.
I am going to pour my time, into learning a language seriously. It is slightly daunting, and I not going to lie, because the last time, I ever studied another language seriously (oral, written and reading) was when I was 13 to 16 ( Korean) and 11 to 16 ( Tamil ) for the O – level national exam. I am still pretty decent with them and do not need subtitles when listening or watching movies. English is my first language even though I am not a native speaker. I took business Chinese in tertiary and university level but it is just business-related conversations/ forms/ email correspondence but nothing like learning conjugates, verb formations and writing paragraphs or like understanding casual conversations in a bar. I also could pick up conversational Chinese easily because I was born in Singapore and everyone is speaking and using it daily.
I learnt conversational Russian for three years also in my tertiary years but it was nothing academically oriented, it was just my circle of friends at that time that influenced me, no studying of the language was involved. Add to the fact, that this new language is the first non-Asian language/non-Indo-Aryanic language that I am trying to pick up at an older age of 25 with no leverage to build upon besides broken latin from mass prayers, I feel like a kid again – scared, and excited but mostly excited. This is a very good distraction for the upcoming weeks ahead. Let’s see how I will fare.
I will share more about this language in the upcoming weeks, my routine and efforts in being a kid again learning it and I will disclose what that language is soon too. I also will share why I think it is a language worth investing in. I am seriously going to only use English and that language for the next weeks only so my brain get used it. I will also throw myself into my last three exams. I think it is better to be ready earlier so that it is less stressful on the mind. I just pray I have enough willpower to stay true to all these ” healthy” distractions to keep me going each week and face those difficult hurdles in my life. This is my random Sunday ramblings. Thank you for listening!!