I am here to be intuned with myself and to listen to my heart speak. I am not exactly in a great place right now, not neccessarily bad either. I am in this strange uncomfortable limbo, where I am reevaluating my life’s priorities and my investment in things I used to value. Let’s say I have invested too much in some areas , and have neglected myself and my self – worth in others. I am a naturally confident and gentle person. Always conscious of protecting and hyping others but this time I need to hype myself up.
I have neglected my body and my feelings. Firstly, let’s delve with my body. I am currently having swollen lymph nodes on my neck for about two weeks now. Apparently , it is not obvious because I am tanned but under the setting of bright light, oh it is red alright! High stress due to projects submissions and exams were and is still strangling me into a poor sleep schedule, irregular eating times, and a fluctuation of my overall mood. Add the fact that I am dealing with alot of non- academic issues while trying to complete this academic endeavor is a big time stress inducer. It is highly competitive here in Asia, and the stakes are higher. I too have alot on my plate, something I believe no 20 -something should be going through so young but oh well, I will leave that for another time. Despite it all, I have learnt to just laugh it off so that it is in direct conflict with stress , just smile through it all.
Additionally, I have been fighting an allergic reaction, which has worsen last week and I did not see signs of it improving until yesterday, when I decided to use a tropical anti-biotic cream from a drugstore and then I saw the hives decrease in redness and appearance. Funnily enough, it is now that I think that I have such a beautiful complexion in the first place. I guess we tend to appreciate something more , when it is taken away from you, than when we are passively enjoying it everyday.
I cannot wait for my last papers to end so I can exercise , eat healthier and sleep more. Yes, I cannot wait to just spend the weekends just sleeping.
Emotionally, this month have been nothing but a roller coaster. From my personal life to academics and work, it has been a nightmarish period which will come to an end soon. I look forward with just hope in my heart , for my life will be irrevocably and undeniably change, and like a chariot, it will charge with an intensity that I have yet to grasp. This change will happen after this week and it is all at once but I am ready for a new life, even if it is still in a transition phase.
I have learnt that I have neglected my heart so much this month. I didn’t spend time for me , chasing useless pursuits and invested foolishly in the wrong feels. I forgot to nurse my own heart focusing on others and what they were doing with their lives, that I forgot to live mine. It has been a good lesson for me, and I going to invest in myself more. I made that decision yesterday night and I woke with a less swollen lymph node so I guess my body wants me to focus on me for once and that is exactly what I am going to do. Me, me, me. Sounds selfish but taking care of yourself is not selfish. You are responsible for you and for your body. I am also fighting off another infection , coupled with these swollen lymph node and hives (yes, I am a mess right now) but no worries, I will just keep smiling and press on to complete what needs to be done.
I have learnt to just string along and trust the process sometimes. Some may say I generally think too much, and they are right mind you ( I just hate hearing it out sometimes, well because who likes hearing the truth) but in my case it is not necessarily a bad or even a good thing. I just need to use it more for the right things , because thinking and analysing a situation in-depth have saved my life countless times, quite literally. However, since I am in no imminent danger and that I am leaving a stressful phase of my life soon (this phase was like 15 years) , I cannot help but smile sheepishly. I have been highly disappointed, ashamed even as well as hurt this week. After something as rough as that, I still find myself typing this “heart speak” in the middle of the living room with a smile and when I looked up to see my reflection in the mirror covered in hives, swollen nodes and riddled with an infection, I broke out laughing at my predicament but nevertheless, never found myself more beautiful that this, right now in this moment. I have a really pretty smile, and I should use it more often.