The last 5 – 6 years were incredibly hard for me. Personal disappointments, failed family dynamics, struggled with my identity/recovery and thus thought I lost myself for good. I used to daydream scenarios where I could turn back the time and try to salvage what I used to be. You see, I was always the type of person I wanted to be then, always, hard-working, with no room for mistakes and thus personal failure(s) is something I take very seriously, sometimes, too seriously. However, I was trying to fit a mould that society or at least the people around me at that time, valued. The last few years were merciless in their lessons. I had to break back, just to get the very bare minimum, work incredibly hard, with the results not evidently awarded and develop the strength to keep going even when things seem so bleak where you can’t even see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel and believe me dear friends, that was indeed an understatement.
However, as I approach the end of the tunnel, where I can see the silhouette of trees and can hear the faintest of melodies from the birds afar, I can only bow my head and say grace.
These years have taken their toll for sure. I have had been terribly disappointed. Thus, when recently I saw a question asking if “you had the ability to time travel, would you (a) travel to the past, (b) travel to the future, (c) stay in the present ?”, my answer might surprise you, dear friends.
It would be (c) stay in the present. Now, why would I do that and not go back in time when I obviously endured the gruelling years before, well because I have come to the serenity that even if I did go back to the past and try to avoid being hurt, disappointed or just to be “better prepared”, the situation(s) were so dire and out of my hands that there was no way but to go through each and every one of those hurdles, obstacles, lessons, humiliations, and pain to come to where I am now. I am not saying that I enjoyed these “tribulations”, far from it, but I am saying that to be where I am now and to be the person I am right now, well, I think I deserve a slight pat on the shoulder. It definitely showed me my strongest and best parts of me as well as my weaknesses and thus I am very much aware of who I am and the type of person I am and want to be. Furthermore, it taught me the values of perseverance, loyalty, friendships, love, empathy, kindness, patience and understanding.
I went through those arduous years and came out richer in friends, skill-sets, character and a moral compass that is in tune with my values and my eyes much more open to understanding, my ears more keener to listen and my heart warmer to love and embrace. I thought I liked who I was before years ago, but now I love and cherish the person I am today. Hence why I didn’t opt for option (b) to travel to the future. I want to embrace, appreciate and take care of who I am now. What we do now, determines our course of life in the next few years ahead, possibly more hence we must keep evolving to be the best version of ourselves by finding peace, serenity, love, kindness, humility and death to ego, pride, haughtiness and superficiality where we attempt to impress others when deep down we know that isn’t who we are proclaiming to be. We ought to speak ourselves to others, not some caricature of what others might perceive to like. You’d be surprised when you present your true authentic self, just how much more in peace you will be.
Through it all, I found myself more jovial, empathetic, softer in my approach to others, with the mental agility to determine right from wrong and a deeper understanding of loyalty and motherly love. A mother’s love truly knows no bounds, that I can vouch. I want to experience the now, the slightest of winds, or the sunshine at noonday that befalls our faces or the very breath that enters my lungs in this minute. I do not want to simply rush through life ticking off some bucket list that I might not even fancy accomplishing at godspeed to impress others or worse, strangers. I want to set goals and focus on the process, the creativity that goes into shaping our lives and the people with whom I want to share my life.
When I look at myself in the mirror, I appreciate the person staring back at me, mind and body. I wish the same for you, dear friends. Thank you for reading.
“If you are depressed you are living in the past.― Lao Tzu
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”